Set on you, I got my mind set on you.

*hums in tune to random song she heard earlier*

What i actually want to talk about though, is that relationships of love without hate, never exist.

You can never find someone you adore completely! Everyone has quirks. Some, you may hate. Some annoy you constantly. Some hurt.

And it's only when it hurts that it matters, I suppose. Oh well, some people are just THAT DUMB. I'm sorry for those who happen to fall in love with idiots.

But anyway, this post is for baby. I just wanted to tell you that i am always here for you. No matter what, however you feel. I told you that, before you left, remember? I meant it then, and i still do. i'm just really glad i've been able to be around so much, and you for me. And even though you decided to wear that vest on a t-shirt, I love you! :P A bit odd, i must say, but almost everything looks awesome on you! And you have your quirks, but you love me. And right now that's all that matters. You would never, never hurt me.

It seems, Tats is now too busy to do anything but be in Uni in some leadership position of some sort. I won't say i'm not upset that he can't make it tomorrow, but i guess over time i'll just have to forget. Let go. Though it always sucks to have to let go of a new friend so quickly. There's still so much enthusiasm! I'll say this was nipped in the bud. Sad.

I saw baby Alexxxx today. SOOO cute! So grouchy his face before he wanted to sleep. And Michelle and Shaz were definitely taken by him as well. He is so adorable. HUGE eyes! I missed Nicholas though. He was in school. He must be a HANDFUL in school, that gorgeous darling. He was simply charming on Wednesday. "Where you going..?"

Nothing else seems to be on my mind. Except yesterday afternoon's incident at the stairs. :) And this one person who occupies space in my head somewhere! SIGH*

A little time is all i'm asking for.

Maybe I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of knowing so much. Life as a whole is rather depressing right now. I'm not with the right people and it's taking a toll on me. I miss him.
Gone are the days of fancy and excitement. Now comes responsibility and the quest for knowledge, the erosion of blissful innocence. Time isn't moving forward, we are going backward. I'm moving forward, but backward into isolation. Life is so unfair.
They don't understand me. I hate them! I dread being with them at all. No choices left. Pushed into a dark corner I detest. I wonder how she is really. Whether she left with them or not. Maybe. Not. They're idiots. He's an idiot. Or am I just bitter? I think so.
Ahh, cigarettes. I need a vice. He's wrong! Chocolate isn't a vice. HE is the vice! Day in, day out, he's my source of crime. Lust? No. He's not beautiful. Admiration? I think him disgusting. Malice, more like it. Evil, pure, vengeful malice. Embodied in the dark corners of my heart. Yes, HE'S my vice. And her? What is she? My bliss. Lips against hers is my heaven. And she is the epitome of beauty. Purity. Twisted of me to corrupt that. But I am not noble, and i will never claim to be. Though, I am rather marvelous. My own thoughts scare me. Deep. Deep enough to cut. Yes, and no. Ambivalence is a key to long-run success. Oh God. Success. Impossible. To measure, anyway. I like to think myself successful. Are you reading this?

-The author of this short piece has chosen to remain anonymous-

I can let myself be angry over wasted time.

I have so much to say.

But i don't know what to, or how to.

I'm sad, and tired. And very worried. But there seems to be nothing I can do.
And i don't even feel like blogging about happy times because it's just NOT right. And it's not how i feel.

I missed Tatsuki today, as well. That made it slightly worse.

I think what i feel is called regret.

And i'm crying now.
I want to be with Carolyn. Not say anything. Just cry. Love you, okay?

Change, the only constant.

I've been telling some people lately that i feel myself changing.

And i feel so left out now. My different groups of friends don't seem to be changing the way i do. And i always feel weird. I've kind of outgrown my high-school interests and conversation topics. I don't know enough about new ones to be able to talk to new people either. I'm stuck in between then and tomorrow.. I'm lost. :(

My friends all seem to have something common to talk about, but i stand there, left out. Maybe they feel like i've moved on. But even if I have, i don't want to lose them. I love all my friends, old or new, and I never want to stop talking to them about the random-est things.

I also feel i'm a lot less random and bubbly. If you disagree, let me know. I need to know that I'm still as lovable as i was. That's the one thing about myself I like. Even if being mean is my funny forte!

I am just glad to have You that i can tell stuff to. And I know You're fine with me changing. Because i don't ever want this to end. And it's nice to know that You think it's just growing up, maybe. Or maturing. Because it makes me feel less guilty for letting go of before. And trying to seek a new self. I love you.

To you people who read here, I love you guys anyway. That, has not changed!
*Besos y abrazos*

Now, that whole lot.

It's been what, a week? since I've posted last.

And there's loads to write, so I'll warn you, if you don't want really want to know, click the Close button right about.. now. Before you venture into the deep unknown. ;)

Let's start with Friday. Such an awesome day for me! I woke up in the morning thinking about what to wear to ISKL! I settled with semi-formal, very unlike my usual self.. and off to college. All through college I just couldn't wait to go. Though I really didn't want to leave Baby behind. Friday is supposed to be OUR day. But i guess it was a compromise, since we were meeting on Saturday.. I still missed you terribly, sweet.

Alex Choon dropped all of us at ISKL. The moment i stepped into the gates, the inner rush! I've never competed for Forensics, but it's always a good experience just being there. We met up with the teachers and the students there and it was nice to at least be recognised, considering the fact we left 2 years ago! And the fact that they still ask us how to do some things.. was rather heartwarming. Somehow with your school girls you always feels loved and needed. :)

I was rather disappointed that Tatsuki never made it to come see Lex and I for lunch. Though.. we all know now he's too busy and important for us HELP people. He's now a med-student. Places him in a class above all of us, I suppose. *Just teasing*

We finished the 2nd day of Forensics at about 7pm. Starving and tired, we spent about one hour in the bus back to school, and then Pn. Sabina sent me home. Bless her! We talked about random stuff and lucky for me, it was hardly awkward.

Depressing as it was to have to miss the Finals for Forensics, we got to meet Mr Daniel again on Saturday. That was rather fun! He gave us our moot-court training for about 3 hours. Then Dennis Toh, yes him, was sweet enough to send Carolyn and I to OU! If he wasn't in slippers and if i weren't on an all-girls outing i'd have asked him along, but some things just aren't meant to be, I suppose. Though the conversations we had in the car WERE kind of weird! Telling me how he wants to date a Catholic girl.. too suggestive, I should think. Maybe I'm just paranoid?

Anyway, after that.. Valentine's Day began, I suppose. 6 of us at OU for lunch.. Got kicked out of Chili's because of some free Cornettos. Fuckwit waiters. Hate them. LOL. Ended up in Delicious. Which was okay.. except for the chicken, which had a size that was arguable. ;) Carolyn got me a nice rose! :) AND A CARD. Which made me cryyy! So sweet. Thanks, love!

After lunch we just walked around a little bit then i had to go for Mass. Evening dinner was with family.. and i was SO tired by the time we ended.

Though the next morning was another long day. At Sunday School i was doing loads of random things, but after that i went to the PS-2 class and i got to see some of my kids! Stephanie is not so shy anymore. Pete and Petra were around as well, calling me chicken and sitting on my lap. *Sighs* So happifying! After that lunch in Klang with the Tai-chi people.. the dinner is this Saturday and there's tonnes of stuff to be done! Luckily not by me. :D All i have to do is look good. And be able to run around in a cheongsam and heels! Which Carolyn will assure you, I can do. Haha!

Well anyway, I've lost the train of thought i had over the weekend. I'll just end this here and update again soon, hopefully.

Life is just.. tough for me right now.

Boy, what a...day.

OMG OMG OMG.

I have to start this anti-chronologically because.. the cutest little 3 year old in the whole of Malaysia just left my house! I don't know his name, but since everyone called him Ti Ti, i did too.. (Ti Ti is Mandarin for little brother). He was soooooooooooo cute. Such an attitude! His smile is so melting. And.. he wanted to play Backgammon but noone knew how, and he got mad and actually sat backwards on the chair in the living room! I got to carry him home from Tanjung Bunga, because we decided to walk. I expected him to throw a fuss, but he only just talked a lot of Mandarin which i so didn't understand. But still.. SO CUTE! OMG! I want..!

Before that i went swimming. Tropicana. TOO many other human beings there to swim properly. I was very very annoyed, because some children were really obnoxious and selfish. I mean, hello? I am not THAT small. Can't you see me swimming? You must be FRICKIN' blind to NOT notice this huge chunk of a hot chick in that water..! Sheesshhheeerrss.

Oh and before that I went to SP with Carolyn and Noreen. SO fun slapping Noreen. I think i hit her about 7 times! And she hit me only once back. xD But only because both of them are such softies when it comes to me! :D I accidentally hit Carolyn once too, so i'm SORRY, darling.. Hit me back soon. :D We kept rushing here and there to buy ribbon and dog food and stuff. Hilarious! We walked SO much. And we had Nando's! WOOT! Pedas giler, but soooo sedap!

Oh and Baby, don't think so much. Focus on loving them and giving them your best while you can. It's all we can do. Don't be afraid of putting yourself out there and getting hurt, because it is THAT that makes us human. It makes us capable of what people call Love. You can't have Love without pain, seriously. And there is a time in life where you have to let Go. But let God, then. It will all fall into place.
I miss you loads anyway. And i love you, and i worry about you. All the time. I wish i knew everything in your head!

For today, that's about it, i guess. Nothing much else has happened except that i learnt a lot more about Tzern that i had ever imagined.. and it's been good, i guess. Oh and i got a whole load of notes from John.. I'm going to go mad looking for space in my room for those. I finished 'reading' Larkin and Marlowe this afternoon as well.. and i am lost. I like SOME poems, but.. other than that i read it pretending i would someday catch it's true meaning! xD

I miss Jan, Mich, Shaz.. LOADS.

And you too, baby!

You want it, you got it.

Oh yes, my very first time doing something someone tagged me in.

20 things about me, it seems. I won't be mean and tag another 25 people though, just Carolyn, because i know she'll do it, and Dila and Thira and Tats and Kenny, who have blogs just like mine and probably read here to know i did tag them. :D

______________________________________________

I cooked two servings of very, very spicy pasta on Tuesday, and I nearly DIED eating that stuff. WAYYYYY too much chili flakes, huh?

I baked chocolate-chip cookies on Monday with Carolyn, and now i'm hooked on those! I can't wait to make more for my girls for Valentine's day. :)

I'm stuck in what you would call, a whirlwind of love. I love too many people for my own sake!

I'm actually going to miss Tatsuki when he's gone to IMU. He claims i'm noticeable. He's just the same, except more so because everyone loves Tats! Our ninja. ;)

I don't know nuts about judging value debates. And i promised to on Friday anyway. Though i guess that's what Tzern is for. xD

I don't know if i treat some of my friends as well as i should.

I miss Alexander David Pon's WHINING.

I eat too much for my own good, and i still complain i'm fat and i don't know why!

Lately, i've had this craze for bikinis. Not that i would look that great in them, but i think i've found a new confidence about myself to even think i'd dare wear one. (BUT I DID!)

I think Sunway Lagoon is lame, but i want to go there again soon and get another awesome tan! Yes, lame people do lame things like that.

I got a conditional offer from LSE, and i'm planning a life in London already although i need to get an A for Literature. Which i currently think is.. impossible.

I am really (quite) stupid.

I am too optimistic to actually still live here on Erthe. (Marlowe's english) ;)

I miss you, Carolyn Tiong. I hope your 9 hour day goes fine!

I miss Michelle, Janice, Shaz, Turtle and Belinda. I want to smack them all for not bothering for us to meet up during our college break!

I let go of my past way too easily. I break hearts like they're paper cups. Oh wait. ONE heart. But still, it wasn't supposed to be that way. You leave someone with dignity, not just run off with another.

I have learnt my lesson when it comes to the aforementioned heartbreaking.

I, an exaggerator, hate exaggeration.

I detest people who have one night stands, but i don't mind if my friends do and tell me about it. xD

Last but not least, i actually took almost one hour to complete this very silly tag.




Love y'all!