Ah, the final post of 2010.



It's been a mediocre year - just something I had to pass and figure out on the way to a better future.


That doesn't mean it hasn't meant something in my life.


I've met people and gotten to know them,
lost some of them,
loved some of them,
and hated some of them.

I've fallen,
cried,
gotten up again,
and smiled for tomorrow.

I've fallen in love with You countless times,
made love countless times,
cried of heartbreak countless times,
made up countless times.

I've gotten angry,
then sad,
then happy again,
and sometimes, I feel nothing.

I've gone away,
and come home,
wished to go back,
and wished to come home.

I've sung,
and laughed,
danced,
and prayed.

I've cursed,
and sworn,
and apologised,
moved on.


Sounds like it has been a LONG year,
and it has been.
Too long.


Welcome to the world 2011,
I'm sure Jesus has great plans for you.






Jesus, be with me, my friends, my loved ones this coming year.
And you too, CT love.

it's times like this when you're alone and wondering to yourself what life has in store for you.

i've spent hours and days alone and i'm thinking - hey, this can get really comfortable.

and i figure, i'm comfortable with who i am now. the choices i make, the things i do on the daily - they define me.

everyone is discovering themselves every day, likes, dislikes, peeves and fetishes, all that jazz.

it's like peeling an onion, layer by layer, till you find what gives the onion its smell and essence - the core.

that's why i'm so set in my ways, sometimes, and people need to see that.
flexibility comes at a cost - not knowing what you really want in life.

and when you do know what you want, you work every day till you get there.

Einstein said -

"insanity is when you do the same thing every day expecting different results."

but if you put your mind to expect one great result,
you will not be disappointed.




farewell, friends! i must now depart to loneliness, where knowledge and greatness will flourish.
(exams kambing. :D)

CT Baby I love you.

I suppose I AM a little late,
but you can't blame ME,
I've been terribly busy pampering you for 5 days!
:)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROLYN TIONG!

I love you.

We'll always have Old Trafford.

let's go shopping.
so many things to buy!
so many gifts to give.
so many people to shower with commercial love.


christmas is kambing!
:D

jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!

i just want to be home.

with my real friends.

and my family.

and the people I love and care about and want to be with.

ooh,
i can almost smell the elmo cupcakes.

and the cookie monster ones.
:)

Sometimes you have bad days.

Guess what?
Tomorrow, they'll be over.


Jesus will make it all better for you, love.

At 670 words for Equity! Handlerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Sometimes,

only YOU

can motivate yourself.

I try and I try,
but I just CAN'T get started on my
Public International Law coursework.
Something is wrong with me.


Oh well.

Shleeepee.

Hahah,
Patricia Somovilla is amazingly funny,
and I've never laughed more in 2 nights than the last 2!


Facial masks and food and movies and gossip,
lots of hugging,
and oh - talking about babies and boys and family and grandparents,
and churros!

Meowy hairbands and pictures,
♥

Stargazer.

Have you ever taken a moment to look up and look for the stars?
Have you ever?

If the answer is yes, then you will understand my passionate flow of emotions this moment.

I am in love!
With stars;
Nature;
the dark, hollow skies.

It calls out to you, reaches to your soul in its vast emptiness.
And yet, it fills you with awe and wonder and amazement.
Warms you inside even though you are lying on the cold rocks.

How could scarred hands create such beautiful creations;
and yet, we do not see it.
Love of course, will do the trick.
Nothing but humanly impossible love.

♥

Talk to me.

So.. what's been happening around here?

Nothing much?

Hmm. Plenty, really.

I talked to Iris today.
And Shaz!
And we had a really good good time on Skype.
I had fun talking to Khim as well. She's so nice. :)

(I'm not going to rant about the other people who DIDN'T show up, because that would just be a waste of negative breath. Sigh.)

We did have a pretty awesome dinner earlier though.
Naina cooked a sweet and sour dish! Kudos!
And I did the rest of the cooking.. fried rice and fish with spring onions.
Malini fried potatoes with curry powder - ABSOLUTE AWESOMENESS!
(Yep, been cooking a lot here. At least twice a day! So happy.)
Irene and Patricia came over as well.
I love those girls.
They make me smile, unfailingly!

And well, Tiong is coming up from Aber soon!
Going to be another awesome weekend.
I can't waitttttt!

I finished all my seminars for Cycle 1.
That means, this coming week I'm pretty free.
Time to relax a little bit after all those late nights up reading.

Oh and I had the most amazing time at the Baker&McKenzie presentation.
They served Champagne for pre-dinner drinks.
(How amazing is that?)
Dinner was even better - 3 course meal.
Dessert was like sex on a plate!
Chocolate brownies with vanilla ice-cream - doesn't sound that great but the Living Room's.. is BEYOND compare.
(I'd have more ;) )

Well there's nothing much interesting going on.
Oh, except the weather has been behaving.
Hasn't (really) rained in 3 days.
I may have just jinxed it, but..

Anyway.

How've you been?

Fine?

Anything else you'd like to know?

Better not.

I'm having a fantastic time.

Just wish I weren't here.



Anywhere but here!



But love, you make my world go round..

i miss home.
and everyone that was there.






please.

Malaysia Tanah Airku - selamanya!

Been ages since I've written here - been 3 weeks or so.
In those 3 weeks my life has changed by leaps and bounds;
for those who know, I have 'relocated' to the city of Manchester, England, to pursue my degree in Law; or rather, to continue it.

I miss my family like nuts, though I'm not very homesick (yet).
The weather is freezing, but I'm getting pretty used to it...the body is intelligent in its own many ways!
The shopping here is pretty okay, but the food is average. Nothing beats Malaysian food.

And certainly, nothing beats Malaysian people and friends. Yes, people do get racist when there are money and opportunity issues involved - but honestly, we Malaysians love each other for who we are. We like each other even though they are Chinese or Malay or Indian or the in-betweens! We are friendly, hospitable, humourous and we are proud to be Malaysian in more ways than one.. I know I am, anyway!

I have made friends here - from Spain, Italy, Singapore, Hong Kong, Nigeria, Lithuania, France - but not ONE British citizen. Does that sound an alarm? I should think so..

But I am here to adapt and change my life for the better. I have to begin walking on my own two feet. I am proud to say I have ironed my own shirts, cleaned my own room, done my own laundry, washed my own dishes, cooked my own meals, bought my own groceries. I have walked miles and miles and complained, of course.. I will never ever take for granted my dad and mum again for driving us places and of course, the LRT station down the road from my SS2 home!


My dad was absolutely right - If Manchester doesn't make a woman out of me, nothing will.

Praise and Thank Jesus!

I'd do it all again - the Maxis Scholarship for Excellence Award.

It's funny how experiences change people, change the way you think, the way you feel, the way you dream.

When I was younger I wanted to be a doctor, a pilot, a rockstar, a philantropist, a scientist, a forensic scientist, a teacher.
(Currently, I am pursuing Law. The IRONY!)

And thanks to the Maxis Scholarship for Excellence programme, I can now pursue law overseas without having to worry about burdening my parents excessively. I will be heading over to the University of Manchester this coming Friday to complete the next 2 years of my degree.!

The story doesn't end here though - it has changed my life in so many different ways.

I now know what photoshoots are like, with the makeup and flash photography and awesome computers and software and lighting and studios.
I now know that I CAN go without sleep for 14 hours and smile continuously.
I now have wonderful new friends from all different walks of life - different races and backgrounds and experiences!
(Let's see if I can remember all of them - Natashini, Trisyella, Sarah, Bashirah, Deldrie, U Jean, Eu Jhin, William, Vimesshen, Wei Wen, Ai Lin, Dashini, Usha, Yen Wen, Gurpreet, Yogendran, Naquiyah, Ilyana, Hanis, Yi Koon, Ye Han, Andrew, Yang Jian, Amalyna.)

Then yesterday we met again - and this time we were immensely proud. Deputy Minister Dato' Joseph Salang graced our Award ceremony in KL Hilton, and the CEO, COO, CFO of Maxis Berhad were there too.
I gave a speech to represent the Undergrad students. I was REALLY nervous but the response was overwhelmingly positive. CEO Sandip Das shook my hand and told me that I shouldn't give speeches better than the CEO! He was kidding of course, but I was really taken aback at his humility and sense of humour, and I was also really really proud of myself, like my parents were.

The press conference and following interview were also interesting!

The only part about the whole thing I hated was the end. I hugged everyone I could goodbye.. and it was painful knowing that it WAS goodbye because hardly anyone else was bonded to Maxis like I was.. and I was leaving. I would never see most of them again!

"It sucks having to figure out you really love your friends then have to leave them."


Nonetheless, Maxis deserves my utmost gratitude for giving me this wonderful opportunity, and changing Malaysia's future as we know it!
THANK YOU MAXIS!

..I am leaving for Manchester in 5 days.

And yet, I feel like the distance between my closest friends and I is already growing.

I hate fighting,
but I cannot stand being called stupid or a cow,
especially if I've done nothing wrong.


Sigh.
Maybe things have to be like this so it's easier to leave,
and walk away.

Engaged!

Amelia - holds up a 'Marry Me Ryan' poster.

Ryan - Stares long and hard at it, and smiles.
: Hey you over there, I accept your proposal!

Amelia - panics! Looks around for someone else with a poster.

Hitakshi : He's talking to you OMG he's talking to you!

Amelia : I'm DYING!

Ryan : Heck, I knew I was going to find a wife for me down on my trip to Singapore! I don't even know her name! But I don't need to..

Amelia : I'm DYING, Takshi. He's seriously talking to me!

Ryan : So where would we have the wedding? In LA or here in Singapore?

Amelia : BOTH! But I'm from Malaysia I came all the way down south to see you!

*Crowd laughs*

Ryan : You did, eh?
But what if you found out I had like umm.. *thinks* 6 toes or something?

Amelia : I don't careeeeee! I'd marry you!

Ryan's backup guy : But it's disgusting!

Amelia : It doesn't matter!

Ryan : What if I lost all my hair in some umm.. freak hair loss accident?

Amelia : I'd marry you anyway. I don't care..

Ryan : That's true love, right there! This song is for you.. and it's about love.
- sings Walking on Water!






This man changed my life. (:

But I love you more, CT!!

2 days ago I was on top of the world.
in love.

today,
i am jaded.

oh GOD.
i am married. (:
to two BEAUTIFUL people.

thanks, JC.

The days are whizzing by too quickly,
and before you know it,
I'm leaving home.

I love home.

But these are things you have to do.
You don't mean to leave.
You just.. have to.


And you're thankful that you've gotten this wonderful chance to do it,
to fly away,
and grow.
Find a life for yourself, or build the one you've got.


I'm still a tad bit miserable about leaving my loved ones behind for a couple years.
It's a long time - especially if you've never been this far away.


Sigh.
I'll be back, I promise!

I am getting fat.
WAAAAAH :(

...feels so good it must be loove, loove, loove, loove.

I am on twitter!
https://twitter.com/ameliaalove

Oh and off to the GMUN Day 3 tomorrow.
Quite excited to return to that scene.
(:

thankful.

for the gifts that the Lord has granted to me
everything i need
my family
my friends
my loved One
the scholarship!
myself
my self worth
happiness
love.

i miss you.
endlessly.

i love you.
endlessly.

i need you.
endlessly.

i crave you.
endlessly.


what do you think about me?

jumblelovemumble.

this past weekend has been exhausting!
from baking till 2.30 am to taking care of 3 little girls and sleeping 5 hours a night and helping the disabled to driving up north for hours and shopping and emotional vulnerability and tears.

exhausting.
but i loved every moment of it,
and i would re-live it in a heartbeat.

i really found myself in all that mess. i love being around people and helping people and i love babies.

humans are beings of love..we cannot stop loving even though some may try, because it hurts too much.
but i have to agree with You. i rather hurt, than not feel anything.
that's why i love being in love, and the heartbreak that sometimes comes with it, because it's all worth it in the end - to have loved and been loved.

30th - 31st
Sleepover at the Legadas, helped Daph to bake and ice 108 cupcakes. Went to sleep in the girls' room at 2.30 amand they kept me awake pretty much.

31st - 1st
Drove up north to Bukit Mertajam for St. Anne's feast. Arrived there just before midnight, got our rooms at 2am, slept till 7ish, and off to the church for mass.
Mass took 2 hours and then there was a big traffic mess.
2.30pm arrived in Penang, shopped in QBM till 6.30.
Met Yapster there - emotionally exhausting but entertaining! Funny as ever.
Starbucks experience was pretty hilariously disturbing.

2nd
Double date with Ally. (: Shopping!
RED bustier from La Senza - 2 for RM160. Awesome bargain for hot stuff like that!
But She was so sad, and I could see it in her eyes. Emotionally draining.
But any day with You is pretty awesome, promise!

sometimes you wonder if it's worth it
missing them
when they probably don't think about you
until they need you
or your help
or some information.

you can't help it.
:(

20 sen.

This image is probably extremely familiar at first sight.
Yes, you're correct - the Malaysian 20 cent coin.
And up till today, it was largely insignificant to me. I usually left anything less than RM1 worth of change at restaurants for a service tip.

That was till TODAY.

Love and I had lunch at Delicious, Bangsar Village this afternoon.
(Spicy crabmeat linguine, shoestring fries and homemade aioli, and a Chunky Apple cupcake with Butterscotch frosting.)
Absolutely satisfying! The bill came up to RM 46.80, and so we forked out RM 47 and handed it to the waitress.
The restaurant was understaffed at the time so Love and I walked out, leaving the RM0.20 change for the waitress to keep.

*Love insert parking card into autopay machine.*
*RM 3.00 parking charge.*
*Love takes out RM 2 from wallet.*
*I take out RM 0.30 from my wallet.*
*Love takes out RM 0.20 from wallet worth of coins.*
*No more coins.*
*Run to car to check.*
*We dig out RM 0.30 worth of coins from the car.*
(You do the math, we did earlier like crazy.)

You got it right.. we searched and searched and found ourselves short of RM 0.20 for parking.
Damn.
If we had just WAITED for our change we wouldn't have had to pay for our parking with an RM 50 note.

The world just HAS it's way of kicking your ass and making it seem funny!

"...I just need you now."

It really sucks being alone sometimes, especially when you're so used to being with friends or family or making new acquaintances.
Then suddenly after the end of the term you find yourself stuck at home watching tv, all alone.
Your best friends from high-school are hundreds of miles away, for good reason.
Your best friends from college are just.. hiding. Or gone, as well.
Your best friends from Uni are.. sick of you, maybe. You just haven't seen them.
And tomorrow your other half is going back to 'look for her roots'.
Your parents are busy, too busy to take you winter-clothes shopping.
Your sisters are either out dating or studying.
You have no brothers.

You're tired. You've done all the work you can - teaching, and making Mum's album. Facebook has done nothing but exhaust you further with boredom and a lack of excitement. You want to go out and everywhere but there are too many limits and problems, and noone to go with. You've got things to worry about - and the loneliness makes it far worse because you have to deal with it alone.

What does a girl gotta do around here to get some love?

kissing you still sends tingles down my spine.
and makes my heart drop, yes.

i can't wait to be with you!

Yes, people get upset when they don't get what they want.

And worse still when things don't go according to plan.

Sigh.

I can't believe I am having this conversation.
(THIS conversation entails discussing whether men get turned on by
grandmother underwear
or not).
It was Janice's idea!

Moving on-
I am waiting for my sweet, yummy baby to bring the pretzels.
Or my baby to bring the sweet, yummy pretzels.
:D

Talk about indecisive!
I can't even decide whether to go rock-climbing next week.
It's too expensive,
I'm too inexperienced,
I don't have the time,
or I most probably wouldn't be allowed to anyway.

But I'm excited about this weekend.
I have a few things to do..
Not sure what they are but I'm sure I'll be busy.

As for today?
I have been BORED to tears!
I don't know what else there is to do..
Hopefully roller-blading later will bring a change of scene.
(Gosh, I think roller-derbies are kinky though).



Turrah!

A S H I K I N .

Two little crazy girls in the picture
grew up together.

I know, you told me not to cry.
But it's hard when you've been an important part of my life
for the last EIGHT years.
That's half a lifetime, almost,
and a lifetime filled with laughter and tears,
food and friendship,
knowledge and intellect,
boys and bitches,
and everything under the sun!

We grew up together, and part of us have rubbed off on each other.
Your sister and mum are like family to me too.
We share mostly the same friends and thoughts and experiences.
We'll always have the HELP debates and Add-Math tuition classes,
being MOMOs and DODOs in school,
Lit Nites and dancing and acting and crazy makeup.

Even today, after ages of not seeing you..
We had a solid conversation about nothing in particular for an hour!

And that's what I love most about us -
we're F R I E N D S.
Always there when I need you, and when I don't.
We've got memories and always making new ones.
We'll continue growing up together even though the distance may set us apart!

Love you and miss you always, Ashikin Bt. Redzuan Yee.
You'll always be my best friend from high-school,
PROMISE.


Rainbow love and honey kisses.

Truly blessed.

The past few days have whirl-winded by like I've never been whirlwinded before.
Those who know me will know that my 19th birthday passed just a few days ago.
Those who go to Uni with me know that exam results came out today.

Things have passed so fast..
but I have taken the time to realise how God has given me the gift of a happy life.
My friends - my beautiful friends,
have not forgotten me -
Sending wishes and good luck,
Giving me gifts - from pretty hairbands to Bvlgari, flowers to Jean Paul Gaultier.
My baby - planning a party for me, buying me much-needed shoes, loving me.
My family - supportive and loving.
[Alithea - bought me a chocolate cake and letting me into her life.
Parents - cash gift and a trip to Phuket!
Adeline - another cash gift! :D]

I got satisfactory exam results - enough for me to get to Manchester, and definitely enough to keep me eating humble pie and realise that there never is an 'A in hand' - only 'A's by work'!

I can only praise and thank God for every thing he has given me - life. And love.
I am surrounded with love!

Special thanks to Carolyn, Nisha, Pon, Malini, Michelle, Idzrul, Belinda, Iris, Louis, Jason and Kenneth for making last night a wonderful, memorable night!

My parents - for not expecting too much from me and accepting me and loving me for who I am.

Carolyn - for being simply wonderful. Life would be miserable without you being there to spoil me and love me back! You have the ability to melt me and make me sweet as a kitten. I need you.

And everyone else who has made my life happier by being in it - Dila, Ashikin, Takshi, Ilianna, Victoria, SuetYin, Athirah, Leyla!

And the source of innocence in my life - Emily Jean Legada and family. Being with you in hospital has made me realise what a beautiful and brave little girl you are. I totally look up to you now, my sweet!

JOE CHIA. SEEING YOU TOMORROW! Can't wait! :) You buying dinner, so THANK you in advance for feeding me and making me laugh!

Credits to CT for the colour theme idea.

People are leaving-
next week, next month, September.
I am leaving-
this weekend, September.

There is NO time to catch up and patch old friendships.
NO time to buy necessaries and plan farewells.
NO time to call people and make plans and make decisions.

Yet I don't want to rush into things.
I don't want to deal with this huge part of life-
growing older
growing apart
living separate, independent lives.
Not yet, anyway.

I'm afraid of the future and what it will bring.
For the first time, I feel nervous about flying off to be independent.
I want to make my parents proud!
But there is living to worry about,
and life.


I need one of those 'Independent Living for Dummies 2010' books.

..it comes like a thief in the night.

Over the past few days I've been attending wake services, prayers and funeral masses. For the dead, that's right. And I see wives, fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers crying, weeping. Uncles and aunts with red faces and sad expressions. Friends huddled together quietly to think about his last smile, her last hug, his last meal together with them, her last text, phone call, memo.

Death is unfortunately heartbreaking.

When a person dies, he is gone forever. No more smile or hug or kiss. No more dinner or lunch or breakfast. No more friendly jokes, love, or sex. No future plans, no growing old together.

And it happens so suddenly. Yesterday, this morning.. a moment ago. Life ends abruptly, instantly, leaving a void where life and love used to exist. And the people you depend on, love and live for.. are suddenly gone. You don't know where they went, or whether they know they've gone. You're lost, in pain, angry, dejected, confused and plain sad. Heartbroken.

I praise and thank God that I have not yet lost anyone terribly dear to me.. and I honestly dread the day I do. We can't change the fact that people, men and women - WILL die. Even if they died young from cancer or a heart attack or something - they are BOUND to die, regardless of illnesses.

All we can do is appreciate life where we find it. Appreciate love where we know it. Live life as best we can whenever we can. And be ready everyday for our last breath. Morbid thought, maybe. But as real as can be.

Always believe that Jesus will give you eternal life even after death.

Sometimes in life you meet people.
You fall in love with them - and oddly enough you don't love them enough for them to break your heart, but you love them more than enough for them to hurt you.

They're called friends.

They hurt you and then apologise because the whole thing was just silly.
They have coffee with you and make you cry when you talk about romance.
They call you names and curse at you because it's funny.
They don't pretend.
They tell you everything - even though you didn't need to know.
They tell you EVERYTHING - and sometimes, it's disturbing!
They hug you when they'll see you again tomorrow.
They wear whatever they want at sleepovers because they know you won't mind.
They buy clothes and underwear with you and are completely honest.
They spend hours with you without feeling bored.
They rant at you because they know you'll listen.
They scream and shout at you because again, it's funny.
They go on roller-coasters with you and scream LG on a PS! ;)
They grab your boobs or your butt because they can.
They know you haven't got a crush on Him.
They also know when you do.

They change your life when they walk into it, and smack! you're falling in love.

And my friends? You know who you are.
I love you.

EXAMS ARE OVER.

BRING IT ON!

Children are getting rude and annoying, boisterous and obnoxious. Well, some children, anyway. Those about 12-15 years of age, of Chinese descent and that have outdated hairstyles and spectacles-frames are particularly prone to turning into little assholes.

But I cannot put the full blame on them, that wouldn't do any justice.
It's their parents that ought to be shot a couple of times in the foot - idiotic gamblers who don't teach their children to queue up in lines but instead cut in whenever they feel like it. The fuckwits who teach their children that the world owes them a living because they themselves have no time to educate their children in terms of manners and behaving well in public. Those who speak too loud on phones, smoke indoors and drive like monkeys - their horrible examples are the perfect mould to their children's corruptible, impressionable but non-functional minds.

Yes, you guessed it. A group of rude Chinese teenagers cut into our line that day, in Genting, and had the cheek to fight back and argue and try to insult us in another language - which, ironically, I understood. And boy did I give them a piece of my mind.

I just wish their parents had been there to see it.
They would've gotten it from me too, dumbasses.

End.

Yep.
It's over.
FIRST *freaking* year.

WEEP.

It was difficult.
VERY.
Fun, as well.
Funny.
Sociable.
Loving.
Caring.
Witty.
Competitive.


I miss you *july2009* guys already.




"It is said that some lives are linked across time.."

GARH it really sucks being home with nothing to do.
I can only study at night..
and that leaves about 10 hours with NOTHING to do.

KILL ME.
I can't wait for Friday.
TOMORROWWWWW!

The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

To a kind soul.

Why is it that the people who deserve things most don't get them?
Why is it that the people who are the sweetest get hurt the most?
Why is it that gifts are given to the wrong people at the wrong time?
Why is is that life dishes out so much pain to the loveliest, kindest people?
Why is it that we are prepared for something that doesn't happen?

I don't know.
But God has his way of telling us things, sometimes.
And all we can do is trust in him and have faith.
I feel for you in every way I can,
and I only wish I could help you some way.

Be strong.

Oh, f*ck me when I'm listening to Stacey Kent.

I miss me.

Mmph.
It just occurred to me that I have not blogged properly in ages,
with the exams and romance and practical work accumulating.

I simply have no time,
or very little of it that is free,
(free for myself)
anyway.

It's currently 1.53am here in Malaysia,
and I just finished completing my submissions-
skeletal and full versions,
and I decided to blog seeing how quiet and serene it is around here at this time.
My brain is too awake,
though my body is SCREAMING for sleep.

And I'm wondering in my little world why my 'fight' defence against the exams has NOT kicked in yet,
regrettably.

I miss being Amelia.
I miss being the Amelia with friends who wanted to go get a Sundae
just for the heck of an adventure.
I miss being the Amelia who suffered no guilt from not studying excessively.

I miss me.

Joe, you left. :(

Pretty bee, it'll all be okay.

If I could keep you in a box all to myself,
I would.

Make you smile and laugh and love me.


Maybe I don't need a box.
(:

I believe every single word you say.

My one and only,
you make me cry with love.

The world is messed up..

..with butter and icing sugar.

(:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAELEY JOY,
and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNETH CHENG!
Enjoy them prettily-iced cupcakes.

***

Pretty cupcakes aside, I'm exhausted. From tests, studying, baking, church, and handling people. It seems people are becoming more and more difficult nowadays- stubborn or overly sensitive or they simply find it hard to comprehend me or my needs.

Or is it me changing? Am I just too tired to think about anyone other than myself? Or have I become like the world that I find it hard to separate myself from the people around me and their attitudes?
NOT GOOD.
Sigh.

Baby girl
you and me
we need some lovin'.

Delicious.

The range of Body Shop products that make a girl like me,
happy.


Oh and of course spending the afternoon with Bee, Bel and Joe. (:
♥

And I think I know what love is.

8 years,
gone in a matter of two months.

Where does the love go?
Does it involve into some sort of negative energy?
Insecurity?
Hate, maybe?

It breaks my heart deep down inside to know that my loved ones-
they have chosen to lose love.
Don't they see how beautiful love is?
How it makes the world go round,
spin faster than usual,
make time pass like lightning?

And no.
You can't count love.
It doesn't have to smart nor insightful nor proactive.

Love is what you have today,
in your hands and heart
to give to whoever you want,
whenever,
wherever you want.

Love is crazy,
and yes, it's blind.
It's different every time you find it.
It's forgiving,
and it's funny.
It's happy,
and it's sad,
unfortunately.

And love isn't about yourself.
Love is about that other person,
happy.

And it doesn't matter if your heart is breaking.
When you have love you have everything.

Avalanche.

Cold heartache floods down on you, unexpectedly.

You cry, but your tears freeze before anyone sees them coming.

The pain, it comes too quickly for you to react.

Then you freeze, afraid to move.

You try to move, afraid to be buried in the rushing cold.








And then you get stuck, in the cold, biting pain, trying to move unsuccessfully, gasping for the little air you'll live no longer on.

JOEEEEEE.
Come with me to Manchester!

And since you're so strong, bring along
-Carolyn, Belinda, Iris, Nisha, Shazlinaah and Ms. Vilmah!





Sigh.

Baby.

The word baby seems so over-used nowadays. It's like, every boy and girl in love calls the other 'baby', and when you read it off something you didn't write, you feel it's such a cliche and it's almost annoying..

until you say it yourself, with meaning.

People use the word all the time, when they're talking to their girlfriends
-Belinda, Nisha, Malini, Shaz, Iris, and Joe and Nick (though they're not GIRLfriends per se);
Or when they're rocking it out on the dance floor, and having a whole lot of fun teasing men.





But when it comes to her, I feel like I'm saying a million things just by calling her baby.
Even this post will come by as annoyingly repetitive, I know.
But I need to say it, because it's all I can think about.
SHE is all I can think about.
And she's my baby - in every damned sense of the word.
My soft, loving, adorable, lovable, innocent, forgiving darling girl.
And just that one word - baby - invokes a million emotions and so much love in me that I cannot help but use it to call her.





Nothing else will do,
but you,
Baby.

Magic.

Every day something is happening in the world - independent occurrences that do not affect us.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't affect someone else, doesn't change someone's life or isn't an epiphany. Someone on the highway may have saved a cow or someone's sister gave birth to a perfect pair of twins or someone got married or someone lost a limb or someone killed a cow.

The world is filled with miracles, love, and of course, magic. I don't mean fairy dust or wishes coming true - I mean the many people's lives that are capable of being changed for the better. I mean people finding love, and finding themselves when they least expect it. I mean parents and children having something new and exciting to talk about and share as they are growing older, and growing apart. Old friends call each other to tell them about a special event that reminds them of the other, and the list goes on.
Magic.


And when you feel down and trodden and forgotten, remember -
someone out there has probably just murdered some sort of animal and feels like crap,
or think about a new-born baby's first cry somewhere in a hospital halfway across the world.
Think about life,
and how it's not always just about you,
it's about how the world around you makes it for you.





Today, I will appreciate the people who love me.

Forget.

I forget that I am only human,
that the people around me are weaker and more unwilling than you think they be.
I forget that I should not expect things from people,
and this has landed me to where I am right now,
dejected, angry, and frustrated.
I forget how to motivate people,
to make them want as bad what I do.
I forget that some people simply cannot be motivated,
that they are selfish and one-track-minded and jealous.
I forget that I am alone in this world,
born alone,
and will also die alone.

But I also forget the people that love me and care for me,
the ones who stick by my side,
and are not afraid to tell me so.
I forget the wonderful people that motivate me,
to never give up and keep going.
I forget the love that I get when I am frustrated and angry,
and I turn away,
and make other people frustrated with myself because of this blindness.

I forget the beauty in life when I am faced with the darkness.

I forget who I am deep down inside,
invincible.

Jack Johnson.

It's enough to make me cry, but that don't seem like it'll make it feel better.
Noone ever seems to listen.
How could We have known? I'll tell them, it's not so hard to tell. If you keep adding stones, soon the water will be lost in the well.

Mmmhhmmm.

There's traffic in my sky.
And puzzle pieces in the ground.

Excitement.

The next two weeks are going to be really really fun and exciting, I hope! Law Ball is next Friday and everyone is buzzing about looking for clothes or planning transport. Thursday.. hopefully we'll also have a very successful barbecue pool party with July at Malini's condo! We're also having auditions this Friday as a class... and Thursday we are going shopping for Joe, Nick, Jason, and Iris' outfits!
It'll be such a crazy jam-packed 2 weeks, and I think studying will have to hide for a while.. noone would want to do anything academic related.. or so I hope!
Today, negotiations lists came out, and boy am I stressed out going against Ivan. He's a sniper you can never find. Not till he's shot your forehead, I suppose. Hah!

And we're going to play badminton again this week! Our losses last week didn't deter Malini and I much.. we need to maintain the stamina and body-building for Law Ball! And of course, we've got an awesome coach. (: Thanks bees!
Saturday the BEC is heading off to Banting, N9 for Lent Outreach. I'm going along, obviously, and I am looking forward to that because I haven't done much outreach this Lent. Though I'm not at all eager for.. "Wahh, girl, you are so grown up now ah! I used to see you as a small girl...what you studying now? So pretty already!"

Oh and last night we had choir practice! I love choir practice.. because all you do then is sing. And we all know how much I love singing. (: After that, Fr.Philip took us for a ride down the highway in his crazy old VW Beetle! It was hell scary but it was fun, I suppose. Whoever knew that a car could be so.. toylike!

Well that's about all that's been worth recording off my weekend.. minus of course having You around. It was fun.
I never felt so loved. (:
I ♥ CT

Insensitivity.

Lately I've been getting a feel of people around me turning heartless.
Okay, maybe heartless is a really strong word, but sometimes you feel that they don't care anymore. I mean, when you speak to them they ignore you or turn a deaf ear. Or worse, they pretend they care and then when you finally need them they turn their backs on you and you're left like "Hey, I thought you loved me."

And then the people that you thought you could count on and were your friends.. they change. They disappear just as you need them and Voila! you've got a magic disappearing act happening right in the bloody middle of your life. And you're so lost, because these are the people you love. You don't care about them romantically or whatnot, it's just that they're special to you and you want them around with you and be their friends and suddenly, they're gone. They turn ice-cold and you don't know what happened, but you know you hate it as hell.

I don't like this part of my life, and I don't know if I ever will appreciate the fact that people just.. vanish. I love people..
I'm just bummed that they don't love me the same.

"Would you rather be happy with the person you're not in love with,
or be miserable with the person you love like crazy?"

I say I'd be miserable with the person I'm in love with, because
being miserable with
the person you love most
is nothing compared to
the
misery of being without him.
Or her.

What do you think?

This rainbow is turning dark.

I feel like curling up by myself in a little corner.
My head hurts.
(And so does my heart, a little.)

And all night I've been figuring out why I let my emotions get to me.

It's not exactly fun to be so adversely affected by the people around you,
their egos and sensitivities,
their jokes and silly statements.


And You?
I really, really love you.
I wish I could tell you things without feeling bad about what I'm saying,
and what you may think of it.

I'm like that.
Deep down, I'm messed up and I can't seem to stop at one.
I go on and on and on,
and injure myself mindlessly,
but with all my heart.
I'm so sorry.

I enjoy being with you and being enjoyed by you,
and I wish time would stop for us to fall asleep.

Oh God, what do I do?

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter...

..as long as I'm laughing with you.