I Don't Drink Beer - Tim Hawkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4a6I1bJtBg&feature=PlayList&p=FBB0474C72E4885B&index=8

I can't embed this here, but it's cute. :)

Sick.

A twisted mind and a pen. She put them together and begot a marvel. She did not know herself to be so complex until she finished. Her crimes were wonderful. She never let them come close to being revealed. Especially, or unless she was with her. That one girl had such an effect on her. The strong urge to bare all to her was uncontrollable. But she feared. What if she goes away if she knows what I really am? No, no. She loves her. Impossible. Love is so pure. Then why is it that I want to kill her? I know why. So that she is mine, forever. She was obsessed with the notion of being close to her. Even if only close enough to smell the lavender of her gold hair. It was the age-old fantasy for me. A girl's lavender. She grew up in a lavender farm, that's why. No, no. Just a twisted psyche. Now how is that said? These things drove her crazy especially when she could not decide which complexity to adopt. Did she hate the bourgeois? Or did she want to be a proletarian? Both disgusting. I am a tramp. And so is she. But am i a tramp because i am odd? Or am i a hobo? She laughs at her rambling thoughts. Of chourse she is a duchess. Nothing less. My husband cannot keep is pants on. He will just die of consumption some day. Pants and consumption, how are they related? By lavender, of course. Her hair made everything make sense. Even of the day she died. I died along in me somewhere. But another gratification grew in me that she belonged to noone but me for all her life. Twistedly sacred, mine.

-Inspired by Dorian Gray, anonymous

Set on you, I got my mind set on you.

*hums in tune to random song she heard earlier*

What i actually want to talk about though, is that relationships of love without hate, never exist.

You can never find someone you adore completely! Everyone has quirks. Some, you may hate. Some annoy you constantly. Some hurt.

And it's only when it hurts that it matters, I suppose. Oh well, some people are just THAT DUMB. I'm sorry for those who happen to fall in love with idiots.

But anyway, this post is for baby. I just wanted to tell you that i am always here for you. No matter what, however you feel. I told you that, before you left, remember? I meant it then, and i still do. i'm just really glad i've been able to be around so much, and you for me. And even though you decided to wear that vest on a t-shirt, I love you! :P A bit odd, i must say, but almost everything looks awesome on you! And you have your quirks, but you love me. And right now that's all that matters. You would never, never hurt me.

It seems, Tats is now too busy to do anything but be in Uni in some leadership position of some sort. I won't say i'm not upset that he can't make it tomorrow, but i guess over time i'll just have to forget. Let go. Though it always sucks to have to let go of a new friend so quickly. There's still so much enthusiasm! I'll say this was nipped in the bud. Sad.

I saw baby Alexxxx today. SOOO cute! So grouchy his face before he wanted to sleep. And Michelle and Shaz were definitely taken by him as well. He is so adorable. HUGE eyes! I missed Nicholas though. He was in school. He must be a HANDFUL in school, that gorgeous darling. He was simply charming on Wednesday. "Where you going..?"

Nothing else seems to be on my mind. Except yesterday afternoon's incident at the stairs. :) And this one person who occupies space in my head somewhere! SIGH*

A little time is all i'm asking for.

Maybe I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of knowing so much. Life as a whole is rather depressing right now. I'm not with the right people and it's taking a toll on me. I miss him.
Gone are the days of fancy and excitement. Now comes responsibility and the quest for knowledge, the erosion of blissful innocence. Time isn't moving forward, we are going backward. I'm moving forward, but backward into isolation. Life is so unfair.
They don't understand me. I hate them! I dread being with them at all. No choices left. Pushed into a dark corner I detest. I wonder how she is really. Whether she left with them or not. Maybe. Not. They're idiots. He's an idiot. Or am I just bitter? I think so.
Ahh, cigarettes. I need a vice. He's wrong! Chocolate isn't a vice. HE is the vice! Day in, day out, he's my source of crime. Lust? No. He's not beautiful. Admiration? I think him disgusting. Malice, more like it. Evil, pure, vengeful malice. Embodied in the dark corners of my heart. Yes, HE'S my vice. And her? What is she? My bliss. Lips against hers is my heaven. And she is the epitome of beauty. Purity. Twisted of me to corrupt that. But I am not noble, and i will never claim to be. Though, I am rather marvelous. My own thoughts scare me. Deep. Deep enough to cut. Yes, and no. Ambivalence is a key to long-run success. Oh God. Success. Impossible. To measure, anyway. I like to think myself successful. Are you reading this?

-The author of this short piece has chosen to remain anonymous-

I can let myself be angry over wasted time.

I have so much to say.

But i don't know what to, or how to.

I'm sad, and tired. And very worried. But there seems to be nothing I can do.
And i don't even feel like blogging about happy times because it's just NOT right. And it's not how i feel.

I missed Tatsuki today, as well. That made it slightly worse.

I think what i feel is called regret.

And i'm crying now.
I want to be with Carolyn. Not say anything. Just cry. Love you, okay?

Change, the only constant.

I've been telling some people lately that i feel myself changing.

And i feel so left out now. My different groups of friends don't seem to be changing the way i do. And i always feel weird. I've kind of outgrown my high-school interests and conversation topics. I don't know enough about new ones to be able to talk to new people either. I'm stuck in between then and tomorrow.. I'm lost. :(

My friends all seem to have something common to talk about, but i stand there, left out. Maybe they feel like i've moved on. But even if I have, i don't want to lose them. I love all my friends, old or new, and I never want to stop talking to them about the random-est things.

I also feel i'm a lot less random and bubbly. If you disagree, let me know. I need to know that I'm still as lovable as i was. That's the one thing about myself I like. Even if being mean is my funny forte!

I am just glad to have You that i can tell stuff to. And I know You're fine with me changing. Because i don't ever want this to end. And it's nice to know that You think it's just growing up, maybe. Or maturing. Because it makes me feel less guilty for letting go of before. And trying to seek a new self. I love you.

To you people who read here, I love you guys anyway. That, has not changed!
*Besos y abrazos*

Now, that whole lot.

It's been what, a week? since I've posted last.

And there's loads to write, so I'll warn you, if you don't want really want to know, click the Close button right about.. now. Before you venture into the deep unknown. ;)

Let's start with Friday. Such an awesome day for me! I woke up in the morning thinking about what to wear to ISKL! I settled with semi-formal, very unlike my usual self.. and off to college. All through college I just couldn't wait to go. Though I really didn't want to leave Baby behind. Friday is supposed to be OUR day. But i guess it was a compromise, since we were meeting on Saturday.. I still missed you terribly, sweet.

Alex Choon dropped all of us at ISKL. The moment i stepped into the gates, the inner rush! I've never competed for Forensics, but it's always a good experience just being there. We met up with the teachers and the students there and it was nice to at least be recognised, considering the fact we left 2 years ago! And the fact that they still ask us how to do some things.. was rather heartwarming. Somehow with your school girls you always feels loved and needed. :)

I was rather disappointed that Tatsuki never made it to come see Lex and I for lunch. Though.. we all know now he's too busy and important for us HELP people. He's now a med-student. Places him in a class above all of us, I suppose. *Just teasing*

We finished the 2nd day of Forensics at about 7pm. Starving and tired, we spent about one hour in the bus back to school, and then Pn. Sabina sent me home. Bless her! We talked about random stuff and lucky for me, it was hardly awkward.

Depressing as it was to have to miss the Finals for Forensics, we got to meet Mr Daniel again on Saturday. That was rather fun! He gave us our moot-court training for about 3 hours. Then Dennis Toh, yes him, was sweet enough to send Carolyn and I to OU! If he wasn't in slippers and if i weren't on an all-girls outing i'd have asked him along, but some things just aren't meant to be, I suppose. Though the conversations we had in the car WERE kind of weird! Telling me how he wants to date a Catholic girl.. too suggestive, I should think. Maybe I'm just paranoid?

Anyway, after that.. Valentine's Day began, I suppose. 6 of us at OU for lunch.. Got kicked out of Chili's because of some free Cornettos. Fuckwit waiters. Hate them. LOL. Ended up in Delicious. Which was okay.. except for the chicken, which had a size that was arguable. ;) Carolyn got me a nice rose! :) AND A CARD. Which made me cryyy! So sweet. Thanks, love!

After lunch we just walked around a little bit then i had to go for Mass. Evening dinner was with family.. and i was SO tired by the time we ended.

Though the next morning was another long day. At Sunday School i was doing loads of random things, but after that i went to the PS-2 class and i got to see some of my kids! Stephanie is not so shy anymore. Pete and Petra were around as well, calling me chicken and sitting on my lap. *Sighs* So happifying! After that lunch in Klang with the Tai-chi people.. the dinner is this Saturday and there's tonnes of stuff to be done! Luckily not by me. :D All i have to do is look good. And be able to run around in a cheongsam and heels! Which Carolyn will assure you, I can do. Haha!

Well anyway, I've lost the train of thought i had over the weekend. I'll just end this here and update again soon, hopefully.

Life is just.. tough for me right now.